Pirates Trade PNC Park to Cubs for Prospect

The Pittsburgh Pirates today traded their home field, taxpayer-funded PNC Park, to the Chicago Cubs for a single-A pitching prospect. GM Neil Huntington told reporters, “We’ve had our eye on this kid for a long time. We felt, especially since we didn’t give up one of our veterans, that this was a good deal for us. We project this particular pitcher to be a number 5 starter in 2017.” Huntington’s counterpart in Chicago told the Sun-Times, “We’re delighted with this trade. PNC Park is a gem, and the guy we gave up has two broken arms and is awaiting Tommy John surgery.”

Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravensthal, whose parents had taken him to Disney World for a pre-school vacation, said in a statement, “I’m really, really upset at this.” He added, “I can’t wait for school to start. Gym class is my favorite.”

Obviously feeling the need to address the mayor’s stinging criticism, Pirate owner Bob Nutting spoke for the first time in eleven years. Breaking his vow of silence, he told reporters, “I do what I want. I’m the owner. We’re trying to build a winner. It’s not about money. I know people are upset. We’re excited for the future.”

Shortly after Nutting spoke, the Pirates announced they have added another fireworks show to take place next Friday in the dirt pit that was once PNC Park. 290,000 tickets have already been sold for the event.

In related news, the Pirates unveiled their new logo…

…new mascot…

…and new hat emblem